I’m bored, but not “read a book for fun” bored.

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I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

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I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

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If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house?

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Less is more, unless it’s kindness, sleep, or toilet paper.

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Twitter is basically a psychiatric ward where all the patients diagnose each other.

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No, thanks—social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

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Starting the second half of your sandwich is like “hell yeah, baby, let’s run it back!”

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Could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to Capri Sun my legs all summer?

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Wish I came with subtitles because I mumble a lot.

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My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.