Is it just me, or does anybody else get excited about cancelling plans?

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It’s like 10,000 Tupperwares when all you need is a lid.

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So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

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Micro-dosing time travel by going to bed.

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Your ex is ruining someone else’s life now. You are safe.

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Pretty girls don’t compete. We sit pretty, count blessings, and ignore weird energy.

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Did you know if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg, you can actually hear them say, ‘What the hell are you doing?’

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When I’m on hold and the song ends, I always expect someone to pick up the phone.

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My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely!

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Farting, but with eye contact.

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I haven’t had sex in so long, I forgot how to moan, what if I mess up and bark?