Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store.

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That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, begging for my cat’s attention.

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You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

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Don’t worry, better days are coming. They are called Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

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I’ve reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

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Traffic is the fault of the guy immediately in front of you.

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Sawing a hole in a table from underneath to steal a cake is a lot harder than cartoons would have you believe.

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My favourite yoga pose is the one where you lay really still and do nothing.

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38% of being a dad is sitting in a car, looking at your watch, and waiting for everybody else to come out.

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I thought I wanted a career. Turns out all I wanted is paychecks.

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There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.