It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

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A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

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Gravity called. It’s sick of holding me up.

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If we’re living in a dystopian nightmare, where the hell is my housekeeping robot?

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The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

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You can’t be everyone’s cup of tea, let them sip on their own bland brew.

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The agony of thinking you’re finished doing the dishes, only to turn around and, to your horror, the pot.

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Roses are red. Blue got me thinking. I reckon it’s time for some excessive day drinking…

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That made me feel good. I think I’ll become addicted.

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Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

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I love saying “sounds good” at work, and no shit be sounding good.