LONDON—In a concerning development, scientists at the Institute of Arbitrary Age Transitions have confirmed that individuals over the age of 25 should prepare for an alarming shift, as they are considered “pretty much 30.” “It’s like buying a new car and immediately seeing it depreciate into a vintage,” said Dr. Nigel Dithers, lead researcher.

The ensuing panic has resulted in a surge in early-onset 30th birthday parties. “I woke up 26, and before I knew it, I was organizing a ‘flirty-thirty,'” lamented local teacher Julia Grant, who now sports a collection of ironic novelty mugs. “It’s a slippery slope from Spotify playlists to Spotify podcasts,” added Grant.

The government has considered age-control measures, including anti-aging creams laced with sarcasm. Citizens are urged to enjoy their remaining days of relative youth responsibly, “If you’re 24, start savoring it now; soon you’ll be reminiscing about ‘the good old 20s,'” noted Minister of Youthful Confusion, Harold Blythe.