Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?

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I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face, but with words.

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Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

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The best way to enjoy your tea while the world is falling apart around you is to remember that the world has always been falling apart around you.

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Okay, seen enough, someone put a blanket over my cage.

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I probably never die because I don’t finish anything without a specific deadline.

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I’ve heard that people who don’t have Facebook use their free time to lie naked on top of each other. Ew, imagine that.

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70% of the planet is covered in water, yet here I am drowning in bullshit.

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Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

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Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren’t happy.

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Some people peak in high school. I peaked when I realized I never had to see them again.