OXFORD—Researchers from the University of Oxford unveiled groundbreaking findings today confirming that the droopy eyes of many individuals are not the result of lack of sleep, but rather intrinsic facial structure. “It’s a relief, honestly,” admitted subject Marcus Trundle, ‘88, who has spent years debunking accusations of exhaustion when, in truth, it was merely his face.

The study, which examined over 1,000 sleep-deprived and well-rested volunteers, discovered that even those who averaged 8 hours per night frequently heard the wounding phrase, ‘You look tired,’ proving society’s discomfort with natural looks. “It is as if people want you to be both well-rested and Brad Pitt,” stated lead researcher Dr. Winifred Hinge with a sigh.

In a surprising twist, the study also suggests that sleepy-looking individuals showed resilience to compliments and general empathy. The findings promote a controversial beauty trend where influencers cover their eye bags with foundation for ‘an enigmatic air of human experience,’ leading experts to wonder if beauty truly lies in the bags of the beholder.