Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday. But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

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Twitter is like talking to yourself in public and some random dude walking by agrees with you.

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If you are lonely, dim all the lights and put on a horror movie. You won’t feel like you are lonely any more.

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Oh, that’s nothing a sudden burst of completely disproportionate rage won’t solve.

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Jury duty is a wild concept. Whenever the government wants, they can just be like “Call off work, bestie, we need you to solve a murder. Here’s fifteen dollars.”

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The history of mankind would have been completely different if Adam and Eve had been Chinese. They would have left the apple hanging and eaten the snake.

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I don’t understand why bugs come inside when they have a whole outside to themselves.

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I fractured my laziness and dislocated my interest.

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Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

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I was googling about the best time to visit the Maldives. It’s when you have money.

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Every frozen pizza is a canvas that needs an artist’s touch.