The older I get, the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

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I’m not even a 2nd choice, I’m like an 8th choice, sometimes a 10th.

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People remind me everyday why I prefer being on my own.

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You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider.

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When planning dinner, remember that ice-cream has both calcium and protein.

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Why does the dentist have to take an x-ray of my teeth? They right there, bro!

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Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my CVS receipt to finish printing.

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I used to have this mental illness, where I thought logical arguments would change someone’s mind.

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Definitely thought I’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life.

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During winter, it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting.

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For financial reasons, I will be passing away.