The winter months remind me that it is crucial to find someone that you’re thermostatically compatible with.

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One day you’re cool and then the next, you realize your favorite pair of pants are sweatpants from the grocery store.

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Imagine Pinocchio roasting you for 5 mins straight and his nose didn’t move an inch.

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I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

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I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

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I’m the kind of introvert who dodges phone calls but sends paragraphs in texts.

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I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you’re an expert on my life and how I should live it! Please continue while I take notes.

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What doesn’t kill you makes you weird at social gatherings.

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I think I’m emotionally constipated because I haven’t given a shit in months.

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Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

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Just remembered why I went upstairs yesterday.