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I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.

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Sleeping is nice, because you’re not actually dead and you’re not awake, so its a win-win situation.

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My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

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When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

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Weirdos gonna weird.

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My therapist is fluffy and walks on four paws.

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Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body. Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

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One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

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If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.

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I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.