When things get hot, they expand, so I’m just getting warmer, not gaining weight.

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Seems like the mosquitoes swiped right on me.

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After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

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I have re-entered the Band of Brothers rewatch stage of male depression.

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Pretty sure the guy in front of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

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My therapist said this to me, and it hit me like a brick: “They’re not your friends if they disagree with you or try to challenge you.”

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When you realize a 9 to 5 is actually an 8 to 7, since you cannot teleport to work.

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No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness.