Who you are before you have your coffee is the real you.

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Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

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Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens. They’re calling it the Apollo G.

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I broke up with the gym. We were just not working out.

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I think during winter we should also get to work less hours in a day, just like the sun.

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Having a cat is like having a roommate that doesn’t want to hang out and never intends on being friends.

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I don’t know if I’m pregnant or what, but I’ve been craving 3 million dollars so bad.

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You’re so productive for your wage.

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Home is where you’ve left the shopping list.

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Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life,” and it’s just that they were told to unload the dishwasher.

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I’ve been following this strict diet all week and so far all I’ve lost is my patience.