Funny commitment jokes prove that sticking to plans, promises, or relationships can be surprisingly tricky—and hilarious 😅💍😂. From avoiding long-term decisions and flaking on obligations to overthinking dating milestones and subscription cancellations, funny commitment jokes capture the comedy of trying to stay loyal to anything ✨🤯. Whether you’re scared of tying the knot or just can’t commit to a Netflix series, these jokes show that commitment is full of laughs 🎭🤣.
New funny commitment jokes
- Marriage is so scary. What do you mean I can’t have my own room?
- What happened to the art of just liking one person?
- Our parents are going to be shocked when they find out that most of us are serious about not getting married.
- People always say, “There’s plenty of fish in the sea” … yeah, but I’ve got my eye fixed on that specific, emotionally distant salmon who has commitment issues.
- I wouldn’t walk 500 miles, and then walk 500 more.
- I feel bad for Slash. He bought a goofy hat in like 1986 and now he has to wear it until the day he dies.
- Don’t fall for me — I’ll treat you right, and you’ll get bored and cheat.
- Marriage is for life. But when that was first said, life was shorter.
- Don’t talk to me about regrets if you’ve never had someone’s name tattooed on you.
- Adult friendships are like, “hey girl, let’s keep rescheduling to hangout until one of us dies.”
Top funny commitment jokes
- When I turned into the harbor of marriage, I didn’t know that a warship was anchored there.
- If you show her you care, she will keep you as a spare.
- Ladies, if a man says he will fix something, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
- I’m not scared of love, I’m scared of insufficient cash.
- Stop making eye contact with me, I can’t afford a wedding right now.
- I’m so toxic, I can fight for a relationship I don’t even want.
- I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- The hottest thing a man can do is exactly what he said he was going to.
- I will die on this hill or any hill really. I have no hill preference.
- Might go to prison so I can focus on the gym properly.
Popular funny commitment jokes
- Dating is so overrated. Let’s just get married.
- I’m not into casual sex. Send me a résumé.
- I’m sorry I said “I look forward to working with you” during our wedding vows.
- Never signed up for a 401k cause there’s no way in hell I can run that far.
- No we can’t hangout, you’ll end up falling in love with me and I don’t have time for that.
- Girlfriend is temporary, ex-girlfriend is forever.
- Unfortunately, if you want to end your single life, you have to do something. So that’s not for me.
- I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum.
- How do you tell someone that you will probably end up marrying them, but in a casual way?
- In other news, congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me.
More funny commitment jokes
- I think I’m closer to retirement than to a relationship.
- Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
- Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru, it just depends how committed to the task you are.
- Getting married soon. Just need a spouse.
- When I say I’m saving myself for marriage, what I mean is you won’t know how annoying I am until it’s too late.
- Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment.
- My ex said I had commitment issues but this giant jar of Nutella says otherwise.
- Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realizing a lot more was expected from you.
- “I have a date with destiny.” Yeah well, I’m in a long-term relationship with the consequences of my actions.
- Why do I gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship.
Witty commitment jokes
- Oh, you’re in a situationship? Are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self-worth?
- Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
- Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
- I am not someone you have to host if you invite me, because I will have canceled.
- I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans. I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
- Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
- I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment. I wanted something with no strings attached.
- I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
- I will never stop being a quitter!
- Single by choice. Just not my choice.
Funny commitment jokes remind us that hesitation, procrastination, and accidental slip-ups often make the best comedy 😆📅. From awkward “I said yes too fast” moments to abandoned projects, commitment—when handled lightly—can be ridiculously funny 😂✨. Share these jokes, embrace the chaos, and enjoy the hilariously complicated side of sticking to things 🤣💫.