There is a reason I’m single and it’s called my face.

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Got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, Scotty” a few too many times.

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Adulthood is basically just trying to fall asleep at night and stay awake during the day.

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Using a condom and still pulling out, call that two-factor authentication.

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If I had a boyfriend, I’d watch him dig a hole at the beach and be like, “Wowww, baby, good job. That’s a beautiful hole.

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“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

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When I die, throw me on Mount Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

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People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

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Does anyone know the password to my work computer? Or how to do my job?

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You’re a “haha” girl, and I’m an “lol” guy. It just wouldn’t work.

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If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people.