When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

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Love Island is fun, but when is Job Island on?

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If your first child is uncomplicated, then it’s a trick of nature to get you to have a second child. The second will be an unpredictable bundle of energy that seems to get by without sleep.

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You can recognize working-class kids by the fact that they hang their jacket over the chair in the restaurant and not on the coat hook.

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Since the beginning of time itself, people have been wondering, what the hell is going on?

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No, thanks—social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

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Do animals have celebrities? Like, do birds all recognize that one bird who sings really well?

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Female friendship is all about taking turns being insane. First, one of you is crazy, and the other has to counterbalance by being normal. Then, thirty minutes later, you get to trade.

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I have a very particular set of useless skills.

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I don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, I am either not mad or will kill you.

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Being an adult is getting excited about buying new appliances.