31 funny Jesus quotes - Wordgag

I know Jesus was a carpenter, but I think he would’ve been a better plumber, you know, with the water thing.

May 19, 2026

This cannot be the cost of living after Jesus paid it all.

May 18, 2026

Jesus turns water into wine, and everybody goes crazy. Cows turn grass into milk, and nobody bats an eye.

May 18, 2026

My favorite part of the Bible is when Jesus says to put a cross emoji and a Bible verse in your bio, and then call people slurs on the internet.

May 18, 2026

The year number is getting too big, let’s do another Jesus soon.

Apr 1, 2026

Jesus invited prostitutes to dinner and was praised for compassion. I do it, and suddenly I ‘made Christmas awkward.’

Apr 1, 2026

Hiking in your 40s is a great way to meet new people. Today I met two paramedics, three nurses, a cardiologist, and nearly met Jesus.

Apr 1, 2026

Floppy disks are like Jesus. They died to become the icon of saving.

Apr 1, 2026

“I asked ChatGPT.” Okay, well, I asked Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

Mar 30, 2026

“You’re always drinking wine!” God forbid a girl enjoys the first miracle of Jesus.

Mar 29, 2026

You want me to do Pilates? The thing that killed Jesus?

Mar 29, 2026

Jesus Christ. I haven’t seen a meltdown like that since Chernobyl.

Mar 28, 2026

Jesus spent his time among the mentally ill, the poor and unemployed, the prostitutes. So, in a way, by being on Twitter, we’re like Jesus.

Mar 28, 2026

Jesus, I need money to organize your birthday.

Mar 27, 2026

I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

Mar 27, 2026

I’ve got the nativity scene facing the TV, so baby Jesus can watch “Die Hard.”

Mar 27, 2026

Jesus died for your sins. If you don’t sin then he died for nothing!

Mar 27, 2026

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it. Checkmate Jesus.

Mar 27, 2026

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

Mar 26, 2026

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

Mar 26, 2026

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you? So yeah, enjoy your fish sandwich.

Mar 26, 2026

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today!”

Mar 25, 2026

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony.

Mar 25, 2026

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

Mar 25, 2026

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser history.

Mar 25, 2026

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

Mar 25, 2026

I think my boss is delusional; he keeps shaking his head and calls me Jesus Christ.

Mar 24, 2026

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

Mar 24, 2026

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, what would Jesus do? Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

Mar 23, 2026

Jesus turned water into wine. I turn food into fertilizer. We are not the same.

Mar 23, 2026

I see from the back of your car that you have found Jesus, but not your turn signal.

Mar 22, 2026