Alexa, mute my children.

11 shares on YouTube this month:

The grass is only greener on the other side because of all the bullshit on it.

60 shares on Pinterest this month:

Is it cool if I come into your life and just never leave, like a stray cat?

28 shares on Messenger this month:

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are, I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

94 shares on Pinterest this month:

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena.

58 shares on Telegram this month:

I always like to remember the time before the internet. It was so good not to know how cruel and stupid humanity really is.

37 shares on Reddit this month:

All I want is to live well and to die in a manner so bizarre and gruesome it can only be described with a German word.

79 shares on Discord this month:

The void screams into me.

14 shares on Facebook this month:

Relationship rule: If the woman has told something and the man doesn’t remember, the man hasn’t listened. If the man has told something and the woman doesn’t remember, the man has never told it.

10 shares on Telegram this month:

Cartoons make it look like getting stabbed in the butt with a pitchfork would be no big deal, but I beg to differ.

19 shares on Telegram this month:

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up?”