Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign.

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Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

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Me: “I’m still young.” My bones: “No, we not.”

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Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

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Why would I spend money on the zoo when I can watch my colleagues for free?

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Only after moving in together do you realize your girlfriend’s little quirks. Mine, for example, stores vegetables in the beer compartment.

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As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

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An app where you and your partner swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?

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There should be a way to take back a compliment bestowed upon a person who doesn’t acknowledge it well.

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The world would be a much nicer place if we just turn off the news.

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Money talks, and also waves goodbye.