At a certain age, all you really want is a good mattress.

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Studies show people who like my posts are happier, smarter, and better looking than those who don’t.

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Hold on, let me overthink this.

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The real morning people are the ones that wake up to call radio stations.

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It’s difficult to play hard to get when I’m already hard to want.

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Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend.

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To cut the long story short, I have spent all my money.

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Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.

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My idea of fun is watching something on the TV while I look at relevant Wikipedia articles on my phone.

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I met a microbiologist today. He was a lot bigger than I expected.

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It’s so crazy how people are never down to just go get a burger. It didn’t used to be like this.