Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

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I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

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Just heard my knee crack so loud I expected it to glow in the dark.

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If I had a bf, I’d be a gf.

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“I’ll run it by the boss” is one of the peak boomerisms you can say as a married man. It feels electric.

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Forgot how fun it is to post IG stories. I feel like a female filmmaker.

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Sorry I’m late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

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Many years ago, I stood up to 100-200 million others only to sit in meetings now.

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I don’t have any generational wealth but I did inherit a great spaghetti sauce recipe.

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If you get cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and still participate in family game nights.

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Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic, now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?