DUI stands for: don’t Uber, I got this.

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I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

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Scrolling should count as cardio.

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According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

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Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

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Having a nicotine addiction is basically just adding a new base layer to Maslow’s hierarchy for no reason.

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The secret to a clean home? Never let your husband or children in.

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Once married, the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket.

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Are you bad wifi, cause im feeling no connection here.

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The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

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Men only have money the first month of dating, that’s recruitment budget, never confuse it with operational budget.