Whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage I’m like “yeah, me know”.

As a kid, I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how someone could talk if they didn’t have a brain. Then I got social media.

Body: time to fall asleep. Brain: hey, that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

Going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh, this is how you’re living?!”

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

Body: Okay, sleepy time. Brain: Okay, thinky time.

If you push your belly button and nose at the same time, your brain takes a screenshot.

Hello bedtime my old friend, my brain is laughing once again.

The female brain works like the internet. You can delete something, but it’s never really gone.

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because there are millions on record as having no brain.

“Topless” doesn’t always mean breasts or a convertible. Sometimes it also means the brain.

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does. That’s why I think of running everyday.

Brainwashing is always considered terrible and horrible. But there are many brains that would benefit from a wash.

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script.

Body: Time to sleep. Brain: Hey, that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

Dear brain, please finally learn the difference between hunger and boredom. I’m getting fat.

It’s funny how our brains remember that we have forgotten something, but not what we have forgotten.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

The human body is amazing. One half-open eye and the brain under emergency power are enough to make coffee.

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it?

I need a massage for my brain.

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

Hey! Sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.