What doesn’t kill you will text you in 5 months to ask “What are you doing?”

What doesn’t kill you will text you in 5 months to ask “What are you doing?”

Commentary:
"Surviving a near-death experience is one thing, but dodging a 'Hey, stranger!' text 5 months later? That takes true resilience and a good block button! 😂📱 #JustSurvivorThings"

I hope the babies I was born with at the hospital are doing good.

I hope the babies I was born with at the hospital are doing good.

Commentary:
"Last time I saw them, they were napping like pros and dominating the nursery crib scene. 🍼💤 Hope they're still rocking those tiny booties and spreading joy wherever they go! 👶😂 #HospitalSquadGoals"

If you're doing Dry January, please, please, keep it to yourself. Nobody cares, and you're probably even more boring without alcohol.

If you’re doing Dry January, please, please, keep it to yourself. Nobody cares, and you’re probably even more boring without alcohol.

Commentary:
"Let's cheers to those brave souls taking on Dry January! 🥂 Just remember, a sober socialite is like a unicorn – rarely seen and possibly mythical. 🦄 #DryJanuaryDrama"

My New Years resolutions are to do some things, and stop doing some other things.

My New Years resolutions are to do some things, and stop doing some other things.

Commentary:
"Ah yes, the perfect balance of productivity and procrastination 🎉😅 Here's to a year of hopeful intentions and inevitable distractions! #NewYearSameMe"

I generally don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but I’m really good at it.

I generally don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but I’m really good at it.

Commentary:
"Life's about winging it like a pro! 🤷‍♂️🌟 Who needs GPS when you've got natural talent in the art of 'fake it till you make it'? 😄 Keep on pretending like you know what you're doing, and maybe one day you'll actually figure it out… or not! 🤣 #ConfidentlyClueless"

Don’t you hate it when you lose things? Like the motivation to do anything.

Don’t you hate it when you lose things? Like the motivation to do anything.

Commentary:
"Oh, the constant struggle of misplacing motivation… It's right up there with missing socks and vanished TV remotes! 🧦📺 Who knew inner drive could be such a sneaky little rascal? Let's hope it turns up in the lost and found before we resort to offering a reward poster! 🕵️‍♂️💰 #MotivationMystery"

Getting tired without doing anything is an art form.

Getting tired without doing anything is an art form.

Commentary:
"Ah, the elusive skill of exhausting oneself through pure inertia 🎨💤 Who knew that mastering the art of relaxation could be so demanding? Take a bow, my fellow nap enthusiasts, for we are the true virtuosos of a well-deserved break! 🛌😆"

I love asking 5 different people for advice then doing what I want.

I love asking 5 different people for advice then doing what I want.

Commentary:
"Seeking advice just to let it float away like a leaf in the wind 🍃 Who needs a Magic 8-Ball when you've got your own mind, am I right? 😂 It's like a choose-your-own-adventure game, but with a real-life twist! 🤔💁‍♂️ #RebelWithACause"

If parallel universe exist, I hope the other me is doing well.

If parallel universe exist, I hope the other me is doing well.

Commentary:
"Rumor has it that in a parallel universe, the other you is living their best life, sipping on cosmic cocktails and reigning supreme as the king/queen of interdimensional dabbing! 🌌👑✨ Let's hope they've got it all figured out and aren't bogged down by laundry like us mere mortals in this universe! 🧺😅 #ParallelYouGoals"

Doing all of this just to die in the end! LMAO!

Doing all of this just to die in the end! LMAO!

Commentary:
"Ah, the great irony of life – a never-ending cycle of chaos and laughter, leading us all to the same destination! 😂💀 #LifeGoals #YOLO"