459 funny family quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

What no one ever considers is that the kids are pretending to believe in Santa for the sake of the parents.

May 29, 2026

Honey, get in the car. We have to go to the store because we’re retarded, and it’s Christmas Eve.

May 29, 2026

My mom is asking each ornament, “Where do you want to live?” before putting them on the tree.

May 29, 2026

“Home Alone” is a holiday reminder that peace begins the moment everyone leaves the house.

May 29, 2026

Commenting “humiliation ritual” on a pic of my friend out with his family.

May 29, 2026

As a kid, I didn’t understand the subtext of ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ at all. I thought Mommy was cheating.

May 29, 2026

Once your parents move from “What time are you coming back” to “Are you coming back today,” you have won the war.

May 29, 2026

I apologize to my future son for the delay, but it’s just your mom ain’t replying.

May 29, 2026

Is it just my dad, or do all fathers watch videos on their phones with the volume full blast, with no concern for anyone else in the house?

May 29, 2026

I’m of the very strong opinion that sex ed should be taught by a woman 37 weeks into her third pregnancy, while her husband sits scrolling through his phone, and her other two children run wild.

May 29, 2026

My kids want to know what’s for dinner, like they’re going to be happy with the answer.

May 29, 2026

My father didn’t want kids, so he had two kids, which was the equivalent of zero kids at the time.

May 29, 2026

My future husband and I will be stay-at-home parents, and the kids will go to work.

May 29, 2026

Netflix had enough cash to buy Warner Bros., but cried poor when we shared passwords with our mom.

May 29, 2026

Cars should have two horns, one for “excuse me, kind friend,” and another for “curse you and your family for generations.”

May 29, 2026

Why do parents bust in your room like they trying to catch you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something?

May 29, 2026

My husband said it would be easier if we had a Christmas house that we moved into in December, instead of taking all these decorations out.

May 29, 2026

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again.

May 29, 2026

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

May 29, 2026

My dad told my sister’s new boyfriend to stand at the end of the picture so he can crop him out whenever she dumps him.

May 29, 2026

(pausing the TV and turning to my kids) Now I want to talk to you guys for a second about what Bart just told that man to do.

May 29, 2026

Every time I do something stupid, my dad stares at my mom like he wants a refund.

May 29, 2026

Play the Grindr notification noise at Christmas dinner to see which conservative relatives panickedly check their phone ringer.

May 29, 2026

My role at Thanksgiving dinner is to Blair Witch it alone in the corner.

May 29, 2026

For a guy supposedly called my “brother,” I’ve never seen him make broth even once.

May 29, 2026

Saying “You’re tearing this family apart” whenever someone argues with me.

May 29, 2026

The best part of Thanksgiving is being with family and friends, and a vast array of pies.

May 29, 2026

My bit for Thanksgiving is going to be constantly bringing up politics, but pronouncing every politician’s name slightly incorrectly.

May 29, 2026

Facing my uncle’s dreaded lightning bolt attack at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

May 29, 2026

In an effort to keep our house clean before Thanksgiving, I’ve asked my family to go live somewhere else.

May 29, 2026

This Thanksgiving, don’t ask me questions about my life, just pass the mashed potatoes.

May 29, 2026

If your family starts fighting on Thanksgiving, go live.

May 29, 2026

If you can’t tell which family member is coming up the stairs by the speed and weight of their footsteps, are you even family?

May 29, 2026

Brother: What are you bringing to Thanksgiving dinner? Me: Wine and unresolved issues. They pair nicely.

May 29, 2026

If you encounter a teenager out in the wild, be kind. They are the first generation of kids whose parents are cooler than they are.

May 28, 2026

There is literally no rule that says you have to get married and start a family. Normalize splitting a mansion with your five best friends and ten dogs.

May 28, 2026

Dads hate stopping on road trips because then all of the vehicles they worked hard to pass for the last hour get back ahead of them.

May 28, 2026

Watching my wife absolutely hate my daughter’s boyfriend while being nice and hospitable to him has made me question every interaction I’ve had with another human being in my life.

May 28, 2026

I think fathers lose their mind a little bit when they realize their daughters aren’t as forgiving as their wives.

May 28, 2026

Having a mom who cooks good food is such a big flex.

May 28, 2026