Wordgag ツ

10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from has downloaded:

Some people get weird as they get older. Not me, though. I’ve always been weird.

Someone from has bookmarked:

My girlfriend just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is.

Someone from has bookmarked:

I like liking Instagram stories because I like pressing buttons.

Someone from has bookmarked:

Wow, another wooden ball. Would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there?

Someone from has viewed:

“Girls just want to have fun!” No, I want one million dollars cash.

Someone from has copied:

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working.

Someone from has bookmarked:

At the gym, everyone thinks exclusively about how little weight I can lift and how quickly I’m out of breath, because the world revolves around me.

Someone from has shared:

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

Someone from has downloaded:

Dude, we’re biting off more than we can chew tonight if you want to pull up.

Someone from has downloaded:

It’s easy to keep me happy: feed me sunshine in summer — and keep me warm in winter.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

1481 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

11,643

Funny Quotes Topics

14,517

Funny Quotes Images

11,643

Updated

3 seconds ago

Users Online

3,436

Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on TikTok:

My boss told me “It’s not rocket science.” Yeah, almost everything that exists is not rocket science.

Seen just now on Telegram:

I’m staying up past midnight this New Year’s eve. Not to welcome the new year, but to make sure this one is over.

Making waves on YouTube:

If you have a Roomba, but don’t dress it up in little outfits, then what are you even doing?

Freshly posted on Instagram:

Wanted to report a YouTube video, but there is no option for “Cringe”, so I just picked “Terrorism”.

Freshly posted on Pinterest:

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

Just landed via Pinterest:

Millennials are just 30-40-year-olds who look 20-30 years old and feel 80-90 years old.

Trending via Facebook:

A man messaged me on Insta and said, “You are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all.

Going viral on LinkedIn:

They’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo.

Just shared via Messenger:

Welcome to your 40s. You now pay for 7 streaming services, only use 4 and can’t remember the password to any of them.

Going viral on Telegram:

You ever wake up in the morning and your first thought is ‘I can’t wait to go to bed tonight’?

Home » Funny Secret Quotes » Page 4

53 Funny secret quotes

More funny secret quotes 👇

6 months ago
Share →: Never share a secret with a clock. Because time will tell.

Commentary:
"Never trust a clock with your juicy secrets – they're busy telling time, not keeping mum! ⏰🤫 #TickTockSnitch"
6 months ago
Share →: My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

Commentary:
"Who else feels misled by our childhood expectations? I was fully prepared for a life of dodging secret passageways, but all I got was the ol' weight gain and existential dread combo deal 🤷‍♂️🔮 Keep calm and watch out for that quicksand, folks! It might just be disguised as your daily responsibilities 😉 #AdultingProblems"
6 months ago
Share →: The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

Commentary:
"Oh, the art of bamboozling with a sprinkle of cunning! 🤫💁‍♂️ Oversharing a buffet of trivial tidbits to distract from the vault of deep secrets? Masterful strategy or just pure genius? 🤔🔒 Either way, it's all fun and games until the important info remains under lock and key! 🗝️😄 #SneakyButStylish"
6 months ago
Share →: Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

Commentary:
"Whoops! Looks like someone forgot to check the family calendar before planning their secrets! 🗓️🤭 Maybe next time pick a less festive season for clandestine endeavors! #SecretFamilyProblems"
6 months ago
Share →: As a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends. As an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Commentary:
Ah, the circle of life: from rebels with a cause to friends with fur 😂🍺 Embrace the evolution of your park drinking partners – just don't forget to share the snacks with the squirrels! 🌳🐿️ #ForeverYoungAtHeart
6 months ago
Share →: The secret to my success is everywhere I go I wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back.

Commentary:
"Ah, the ol' 'fake it till you make it' strategy on full display! 🤣 Who knew a simple shirt could be the ultimate power move in life and in avoiding chores at crowded events? 🙌 Bravo to this genius mastermind wandering around in plain sight! 👕💼 #LifeHack101"
6 months ago
Share →: The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout.

Commentary:
"Who knew the key to a successful marriage was trading back rubs for takeout orders? 🍱💆‍♂️ Sounds like a deliciously relaxing union, don't you think? Just remember, a happy belly equals a happy heart! ❤️ #MarriageGoals"
6 months ago
Share →: The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it.

Commentary:
Looks like someone's been taking tips from the one and only Road Runner 🏃‍♂️🎨🚙! Nothing like a little creativity to outsmart the Secret Service, eh? Just be careful not to drop any anvils on their heads next time 😉💥.
6 months ago
Share →: To all the people who ask singles why they are actually single: Please don’t. We have sworn an oath and are not allowed to tell you the secret of our success.

Commentary:
"Why are you still single?" they ask, unaware that singles are actually part of an exclusive secret society 🤫🤐 Their success lies in the mysterious oaths they've taken and the secret love potion they keep hidden in their mismatched socks drawer! 🧦💕 #SingleAndSecretive #SquadGoals
6 months ago
Share →: Your secret is safe with me and my sister.

Commentary:
"Your secret is safe with me and my sister… Keepers of the vault of secrets, sworn to silence like two stealthy ninjas 🤫👯‍♀️. Just remember, if you ever cross us, we'll unleash the power of sibling telepathy and spill the tea faster than you can say 'siblings rule'! 😂🕵️‍♀️ #SiblingSquadGoals"