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170 Funny tell quotes

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You should tell different people completely different things about yourself so that they then get into arguments when gossiping about you.
How do you tell someone that you will probably end up marrying them, but in a casual way?
One day there will be condoms with Bluetooth that tell you whether you’re good in bed, how many calories you’ve burned and when the next train leaves.
Taylor Swift’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar”, because I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it.
Actors in black and white movies were often putting their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was red or green.

More funny tell quotes 👇

5 months ago
Share →: I say “long story short” and then tell the story with bonus features.

Commentary:
When I say "long story short," what I really mean is "grab some popcorn, get cozy, and let me unleash the extended director's cut version of this tale." 🎬✨ Who needs bonus features when you've got my storytelling skills on full display?😄
5 months ago
Share →: You can tell me what you want, but alcohol and eye contact are a dangerous combination.

Commentary:
"Ah, the classic 'liquid courage meets intense gaze' situation. 🍸👀 It's like a high-stakes game of staring contest with a twist – and by twist, I mean the potential for awkward confessions and questionable decisions! Proceed with caution, folks. 😆"
5 months ago
Share →: Men tell you “I know a place” and bring you to the brink of madness.

Commentary:
"Ah, the infamous 'I know a place' line – the ultimate test of your trust in a friend's sense of direction! 🗺️😂 Just hang on tight and hope for the best as they lead you to the brink of madness… or maybe just to the nearest coffee shop. ☕️😅"
5 months ago
Share →: I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

Commentary:
Looks like Earth just can't escape the drama! 🌎😢 Who needs a psychic when you've got a front-row seat to the cosmic show of emotions right here on good old planet Earth? 😂 #CosmicComedy
5 months ago
Share →: My mom always used to tell me that I look cute when I sleep. My boss has a different opinion.

Commentary:
"Looks like being a 'sleeping beauty' doesn't impress everyone! 😴💁‍♀️ Maybe your boss prefers a more 'awake and working hard' look instead! 😂💼"
5 months ago
Share →: How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

Commentary:
"Ah, the eternal struggle of wanting to convey a fiery sentiment without actually setting anything ablaze 🔥. Maybe just politely suggest they take a long stroll in a lava pit? 🚶‍♂️🌋"
5 months ago
Share →: If you tell lies about me, I’ll tell the truth about you.

Commentary:
"Ah, the age-old game of 'He said, she said' just got real spicy! 🔥 Who will emerge victorious in this duel of truth and lies? Stay tuned for some juicy drama! 🍿😂 #SideEffectsOfSpreadingRumors"
5 months ago
Share →: I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

Commentary:
"Who needs a marriage certificate when you've got divorce experience? It's all about that perfect balance of commitment and independence 😅💔 #RelationshipStatusExpert"
5 months ago
Share →: My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

Commentary:
Ah, the classic "headphones defense" move – a bold tactic indeed! 🎧😄 Nothing like a little strategic deafness to keep unwanted advances at bay! Maybe invest in some invisible headphones next time for that extra level of commitment to the ruse! 🤫😂
5 months ago
Share →: If I were God, I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

Commentary:
"If I were God, I'd totally pull a Monday move and be like 'Animals? Yeah, I made those. What they did next? Couldn't tell ya, must've been a wild party!' 🐾🎉 #MysteriousCreator"