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159 Funny tell quotes

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

3 months ago

Never share a secret with a clock. Because time will tell.

3 months ago

Don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. Show them you can’t.

3 months ago

You can always tell when a man is dating someone new. Why you going to the aquarium and the museum?

3 months ago

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want.

3 months ago

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

3 months ago

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

3 months ago

I tell it like it is: Sometimes I watch the calls on my cell phone and just wait for it to stop ringing.

3 months ago

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

3 months ago

“Bye, have a great day, I’ll see you after school”, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch.

3 months ago

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet.

3 months ago

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my Tweets.

3 months ago

The evening news: Where they begin with “Good evening” and then proceed to tell you why it’s not.

3 months ago

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel.

3 months ago

Our neighbor complained that our cat is always running through his garden. My father said: “Okay, I’ll tell her.”

3 months ago

Alexa, tell Roomba to get the spider.

3 months ago

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life. It’s just a hobby.

3 months ago

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help some Hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something.

3 months ago

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

3 months ago

I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don’t want to see you every day.

3 months ago