252 funny tell quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

When I say I like when older men tell me what to do, I am talking about Yoda and his teachings.

May 22, 2026

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

May 22, 2026

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date?”, while they’re out with their significant others.

May 22, 2026

I don’t really care how you met your partner. Tell me about how you met your nemesis.

May 22, 2026

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

May 22, 2026

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

May 22, 2026

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

May 22, 2026

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

May 22, 2026

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick.

May 22, 2026

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them?

May 22, 2026

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

May 22, 2026

Time travel is all well and good, but I feel so stupid right now. None of them have the mustache. No way to tell which baby is Hitler.

May 22, 2026

As you get older, nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. Like, I don’t know what to tell you, dude, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations.

May 22, 2026

To all the people who ask singles why they are actually single: Please don’t. We have sworn an oath and are not allowed to tell you the secret of our success.

May 22, 2026

To get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica.

May 22, 2026

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit.

May 22, 2026

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

May 22, 2026

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

May 22, 2026

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “I’ve been to a gift shop.”

May 22, 2026

There are two wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord.

May 22, 2026

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

May 22, 2026

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her.

May 21, 2026

You should tell different people completely different things about yourself so that they then get into arguments when gossiping about you.

May 21, 2026

Taylor Swift’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar”, because I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it.

May 21, 2026

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

May 21, 2026

If you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds.

May 21, 2026

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

May 21, 2026

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

May 21, 2026

When someone asks me if my twins are natural, I tell them no they’re robots.

May 21, 2026

A tip for your next salary negotiation: simply tell your boss “either I get a pay rise or I go out and tell everyone I got one!”

May 21, 2026

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out.

May 21, 2026

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America. Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

May 21, 2026

Always tell people different stories about yourself, so when they talk about you, they’ll argue.

May 21, 2026

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

May 21, 2026

One day there will be condoms with Bluetooth that tell you whether you’re good in bed, how many calories you’ve burned and when the next train leaves.

May 21, 2026

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

May 21, 2026

When the past calls, don’t answer it. It has nothing new to tell you.

May 21, 2026

“Slipping in the shower and trying to hold on to the water jet…” Shall I tell you more about myself?

May 21, 2026

People tell introverts to talk more and get out of their comfort zone, but no one tells extroverts to shut up to make the zone comfortable.

May 21, 2026

I say “long story short” and then tell the story with bonus features.

May 21, 2026