252 funny tell quotes - Page 5 - Wordgag

Life is too short. Tell his mom what he did to you.

Apr 1, 2026

I automatically assume everyone finds me unattractive until they tell me otherwise, and then I assume that they are lying to make fun of me.

Apr 1, 2026

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roommate and tell him I’m coming over, so he’ll clean the apartment.

Mar 31, 2026

The shrooms told me that we need to get our shit together. That humanity is a bundle of bad habits. I’m headed back in a few weeks, and they need a response from us. What do I tell them?

Mar 31, 2026

Women only want one thing, and it’s the power to cast men who tell us to smile right into a pit of giant venomous serpents.

Mar 31, 2026

Every day I tell myself, “You got this,” and every day, “this” gets weirder.

Mar 31, 2026

(Talking to myself) I just don’t know what to tell you.

Mar 31, 2026

There’s no reason to be bored flying on an airplane. Use the time to tell the person next to you your entire life story.

Mar 31, 2026

Have been dipping my toe into doing Pilates, and let me tell you, women are real sickos.

Mar 31, 2026

Been acting really busy today because I can tell my coworker wants to talk about something in his personal life.

Mar 31, 2026

Don’t ever let a recipe tell you how much cheese you need to add, everyone knows cheese is measured with the heart.

Mar 31, 2026

I believe that emails are trying to tell us something.

Mar 31, 2026

I told a joke to my boss, and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

Mar 31, 2026

No one trashes your name better than the person who is terrified that you are going to tell people the truth.

Mar 31, 2026

You can tell it’s desperate times the way spam messages have gone from fantasies like ‘I am a prince and I want to give you money’ to ‘I am an HR manager and I have a real job for you!’

Mar 31, 2026

How do I tell the mosquitoes that I don’t consent?

Mar 31, 2026

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would have happened if you had just listened to her.

Mar 31, 2026

Wanna know a real adult life hack? Don’t tell anyone when you have a day off. Absolutely no one.

Mar 31, 2026

You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax, and rich people can go to jail.

Mar 31, 2026

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

Mar 31, 2026

I’m an expert at having a really funny story to tell and then wording it so badly that it’s not even funny anymore.

Mar 31, 2026

Legend says that when you’re overwhelmed and on the edge of a nervous breakdown, a small child will appear and tell you that you made their sandwich wrong.

Mar 31, 2026

Some people are so judgmental, I can tell by just looking at them.

Mar 30, 2026

“Why don’t you tell us anything anymore?” I’ve updated my privacy policy.

Mar 30, 2026

You don’t get to tell me what to do, you’re not my cat.

Mar 30, 2026

If McDonald’s sold hot dogs, would you be able to, with a straight face, order a McWiener and tell them to supersize it?

Mar 30, 2026

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet.

Mar 30, 2026

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

Mar 30, 2026

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe, cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

Mar 30, 2026

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on.

Mar 30, 2026

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb.

Mar 30, 2026

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

Mar 30, 2026

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from a movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

Mar 30, 2026

From now on, I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy just for their visit. It was hard, but I got it done.

Mar 30, 2026

I think you misunderstood – when I said, “Let me look into it,” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet.”

Mar 30, 2026

People are too judgmental these days… I can tell just by looking at them.

Mar 30, 2026

Real introverts are too introverted to tell people they’re introverts.

Mar 30, 2026

I have a man cold. Goodbye, world. Tell my story.

Mar 30, 2026

Don’t ask me for work advice, I’m just going to tell you to quit your job.

Mar 30, 2026

“I made this with AI.” Yeah, we can tell.

Mar 30, 2026