Funny quotes unexpected

63 Funny unexpected quotes

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

1 month ago

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

1 month ago

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

1 month ago

I’m not your dream woman. I am the sudden shouting of ravens that you hear when you enter a part of the forest you shouldn’t have.

2 months ago

A bird just flew into our glass door. Іt’s not dead. Just really embarrassed.

2 months ago

The Internet is fun because you can post about banana bread and somehow end up in a fight.

3 months ago

A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”

3 months ago

Accidentally wore a blue shirt to Walmart and now I’m in the stockroom showing Sue how to use the forklift.

3 months ago

Messed up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. Now 25 of us are hiding behind the granite orb.

3 months ago

No one told me adulting would involve trying to avoid so many scams.

3 months ago

Caught the bouquet at the funeral.

3 months ago

You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real spider.

3 months ago

To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that.

3 months ago

This year should be named “things I never thought could happen”.

3 months ago

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store.

3 months ago

Aliens: We are here to take over. Me: Thank God.

3 months ago

Don’t flirt with me. I’ll show up at your house and start eating all your snacks.

3 months ago

Sometimes I do something completely out of character, like say no to a slice of pizza, or trust someone.

3 months ago

Having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. Like, imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head.

3 months ago

I still can’t believe Aldi sells shopping carts for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

3 months ago