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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇭🇷 has shared:

Foreplay is great, I particularly like the part where I peel them, chop them into pieces, then roast them in the oven until they’re all crispy and delicious.

Someone from 🇨🇱 has viewed:

People don’t have demonically glowing red eyes in photographs like they used to.

Someone from 🇳🇬 has viewed:

Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing, because that’s the soundtrack to the rest of your life.

Someone from 🇵🇭 has downloaded:

Old age comes at a bad time. Once you finally know everything, you start to forget everything you know.

Someone from 🇧🇾 has viewed:

If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.

Someone from 🇩🇿 has bookmarked:

The only reason I haven’t gone crazy yet is because I’m just too lazy.

Someone from 🇵🇱 has viewed:

When people say I don’t mean to brag, they’re bragging about not bragging.

Someone from 🇯🇲 has bookmarked:

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card, and he gives me a $100 gift card.

Someone from 🇱🇾 has bookmarked:

If cartoons have taught us anything, it’s the uselessness of little umbrellas when plummeting from a cliff.

Someone from 🇸🇰 has downloaded:

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via WeChat:

I hate checking my bank account after having a good time.

Seen just now on Threads:

I don’t have bad handwriting, I’m just using my own font.

Trending via Reddit:

Losing a white tee to a stain is a different kind of grief.

Shared recently on Telegram:

My big 3? Yapping, napping & snacking!

Trending via Reddit:

You should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower.

Seen just now on Reddit:

One sec, lemme just find the off switch for my brain.

Shared recently on Threads:

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake. Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable.

Seen just now on WhatsApp:

January 1st always feels like a Sunday, regardless of what day it’s actually on.

Going viral on WeChat:

Dogs have two jobs: calm their humans when they are stressed. Stress their humans when they are calm.

Spreading quickly via WhatsApp:

Whoever came up with a 30 minute lunch break needs a 30 minute beating.

I don’t understand how some people find love several times in their lives. I first have to find someone who doesn’t get on my nerves.

2 weeks ago

Funny Quotes

Witty text about love and patience, humorously highlighting relationship frustrations.

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Commentary:
Trying to find love without getting on my nerves is like looking for a unicorn at a petting zoo! 🦄😂

compatibility, dating, frustration, humor, i, love, nerf, people, relationships, romance, someone, times, understand

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79 shares on TikTok this month:

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

26 shares on Facebook this month:

I’m a huge fan of saying “You’re welcome” really loudly when people don’t say thank you.

76 shares on WhatsApp this month:

If I win the lottery, I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

50 shares on Twitch this month:

“I’m just a girl!” No, you are a monster.

52 shares on Threads this month:

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive.

26 shares on Snapchat this month:

I could have been somebody if I’d been somebody else.

15 shares on Instagram this month:

If life was a video game, right now would be the time where I randomly press buttons because I don’t know what to do.

36 shares on Discord this month:

I need an Apple Watch that tracks when my patience runs out.

32 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating.

28 shares on Messenger this month:

This Monday has Monday written all over it.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇫🇲 has downloaded:

In a massage chair at the mall just moaning really loud.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has viewed:

Rest here, weary doom-scroller, you’ve seen enough bullshit for one day.

Someone from 🇧🇳 has copied:

I don’t know if I’m pregnant or what, but I’ve been craving 3 million dollars so bad.

Someone from 🇸🇩 has bookmarked:

I’m going to bed, everyone. Try to keep it down.

Someone from 🇨🇦 has downloaded:

I bet there’s a couple of seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible.

Someone from 🇸🇴 has bookmarked:

Sex makes you happy. So I understand your dissatisfaction.

Someone from 🇩🇿 has downloaded:

How do I tell the mosquitoes that I don’t consent?

Someone from 🇩🇪 has bookmarked:

If rich people aren’t upset after an election, then we have failed.

Someone from 🇶🇦 has viewed:

I come from a family of failed magicians. I have two half sisters.

Someone from 🇲🇰 has copied:

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual. I just paid $18 for a coke & a sandwich. Let’s start with that.

Social Media Log 💫

Trending via TikTok:

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick one person you hate, and blame them for everything.

Freshly posted on LinkedIn:

If you want to impress me with your car, it should be an ice cream van.

Making waves on Facebook:

Did you know that it’s actually possible to say, “I don’t know enough about this to have an opinion”?

Shared recently on Snapchat:

My favorite unit of measurement is smithereens.

Going viral on Reddit:

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

Breaking via X:

Don’t mispronounce anything next to me and think I didn’t hear it.

Live now on Telegram:

It’s Monday, proceed with caution.

Trending via Instagram:

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

Seen just now on Discord:

Too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is Fliccaroni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. Look at you googling it.

Going bananas on Messenger:

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this, I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

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Activity Log ✨

I don’t understand how some people find love several times in their lives. I first have to find someone who doesn’t get on my nerves.

Someone at work had a 25-year anniversary, and it took everything in me not to say she’s been working longer than I’ve been alive.

Not today, Satan, but next week works.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.

No wine. No peace. Know wine. Know peace.

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn. Just go around me, man.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

I don’t understand how some people find love several times in their lives. I first have to find someone who doesn’t get on my nerves.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Someone at work had a 25-year anniversary, and it took everything in me not to say she’s been working longer than I’ve been alive.

Not today, Satan, but next week works.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.

No wine. No peace. Know wine. Know peace.

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn. Just go around me, man.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

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