I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

36 shares on Messenger this month:

I had a sex dream last night that felt so real, I’m just gonna go ahead and add it to my body count.

80 shares on Snapchat this month:

Body: time to fall asleep. Brain: hey, that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

81 shares on Facebook this month:

My biggest motivation for getting out of bed in the morning is knowing that I will eventually be able to get back in the bed.

52 shares on WhatsApp this month:

My fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.

50 shares on Slack this month:

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3? Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

11 shares on Facebook this month:

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

77 shares on Threads this month:

A haunted house, but it’s just you inside your own head.

48 shares on Instagram this month:

Please don’t send me mixed signals, I don’t even understand the clear ones.

87 shares on Facebook this month:

“It’s Raining Men” and “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” are the same song from different points of view.

37 shares on YouTube this month:

Need a professional way to say, “I do not care, don’t mention this to me again.”