I love wearing sunglasses. Am I looking at your face? Am I looking at your ass? No one knows.

16 shares on Threads this month:

I followed a diet but it didn’t follow me back, so I unfollowed it.

90 shares on Instagram this month:

I firmly believe that at this point my guardian angel is just eating popcorn and watching the drama.

39 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I saw an ad for the ultimate dog bed, but my dogs already have the ultimate dog bed. It’s called my bed.

54 shares on Pinterest this month:

I hate apps that shut off your music when you open them, like how fu*king important do you think you are?

92 shares on Instagram this month:

I’m an ethical hater. My hate towards you is informed, balanced, and deeply nuanced.

58 shares on WeChat this month:

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

95 shares on YouTube this month:

Being a millennial means finding out you can’t afford to live in that apartment complex you thought was really shady when you were a kid.

75 shares on Pinterest this month:

If I like cleaning? Does Sisyphus like his boulder?

90 shares on YouTube this month:

I can relate to America, because I too am about to enter a depression.

37 shares on Telegram this month:

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.