I met a microbiologist today. He was a lot bigger than I expected.

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Who is praying on my downfall right now and can you stop?

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I’m so bored of being bored, because being bored is really boring.

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A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.

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If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

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And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

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Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

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Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid, we got you covered.

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Great minds think alike, but so do stupid ones.

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I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work.

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Eating wings is the opposite of flying.