I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

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Friendship is when you don’t tidy up before visitors arrive.

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I don’t do anything with my life except romanticize and decay with indecision.

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I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

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If you look close enough, everyone is insane.

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Humans are just chaos wrapped in meat, going bananas on caffeine.

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Women don’t apologize. They sleep naked and let you decide whether you are still angry or not.

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People will name their dog Steve and have two kids named Buddy and Rocket.

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That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

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I thought being an adult meant cake for breakfast, not budgeting for therapy.

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The sound of rain outside when you’re in bed is elite.