I tried to act normal once, worst five minutes of my life.

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No more relationships for me; the last one was an embarrassment to my gangsta.

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Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

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Companies post open positions online and then ask you why you applied to them.

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Your honor, if it pleases the court, I brought homemade brownies for everyone.

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Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

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That awkward moment when you’re about to leave work and your boss says “before you go”.

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The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa.

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I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

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If you haven’t tried blindfold archery, you should give it a go. You don’t know what you’re missing.

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Why waste words or gestures when a raised eyebrow is enough to make a statement?