I used to think that the older you get, the wiser and more self-confident you become. I now know that you just get tired more quickly.

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Life on other planets be like: “I hope those lunatics don’t discover us!”

Someone from 🇮🇶 has copied:

When I put on weight, it’s around my stomach. When I lose weight, it’s around my legs. I’m not a structural engineer, but that can’t be good.

Someone from 🇬🇧 has bookmarked:

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

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Imagine if every time you stepped into an elevator, it played the “Mission Impossible” theme.

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I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

Someone from 🇰🇳 has downloaded:

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

Someone from 🇧🇯 has downloaded:

Wish I could get paid just for being a sweetheart.

Someone from 🇳🇬 has downloaded:

You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.

Someone from 🇬🇪 has downloaded:

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel and now I can’t go anywhere.

Someone from 🇬🇳 has bookmarked:

A tip for your next salary negotiation: simply tell your boss “either I get a pay rise or I go out and tell everyone I got one!”