I was waiting on the universe but the universe was actually waiting on me.

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You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

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My summer body has been pending for about ten years.

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If you’re not easily offended, why are you even online?

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I was waiting on the universe but the universe was actually waiting on me.

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If you’re in first class on a flight, sometimes they upgrade you to captain.

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I like to describe the difference between theory and practice with shopping lists and receipts.

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Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

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You’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat.

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Taking a dog named shark to the beach is a bad idea.

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All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.