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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇸🇲 has copied:

It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.

Someone from 🇨🇲 has downloaded:

Damn, I just realized that the future idealized version of myself can’t exist without current me being the catalyst for change and doing hard things.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has copied:

Your first non-broke girlfriend will change your whole perspective about relationships.

Someone from 🇹🇲 has copied:

America’s national anthem should be changed to Welcome to the Jungle.

Someone from 🇸🇴 has viewed:

You gotta be careful: don’t say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.

Someone from 🇲🇲 has downloaded:

Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.

Someone from 🇦🇹 has bookmarked:

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

Someone from 🇲🇿 has viewed:

I really want a family… sized bag of peanut butter M&Ms.

Someone from 🇸🇳 has downloaded:

I never had a year with this much thinking. I’ve been thinking since the 1st.

Someone from 🇹🇻 has shared:

You call it nagging, I call it ‘listen to what I said the first time!’

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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3,632

Social Media Log 💫

Breaking via Reddit:

Imagine hating me and im just at my desk spinning reeaaally fast in my office chair.

Just shared via Instagram:

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Just landed via WhatsApp:

I’m done wasting money this summer, unless you guys want to do something this weekend.

Going viral on Messenger:

Hear me out: agenda reveal parties for people we don’t trust.

Broadcasted on LinkedIn:

I’m so old and have never even met a woman named Jolene. I’d really like to find her, though. She can have my man.

Live now on TikTok:

It’s so funny how you can meet someone randomly online, and they become such an important part of your life. It’d be nicer if they lived closer, though.

Breaking via LinkedIn:

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

Spotted on Reddit:

Born to be a Jedi spinning a lightsaber, forced to work full-time and pay rent.

Spotted on WeChat:

It’s been so long since I had sex last, went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound.

Seen just now on Slack:

Oh, to live in an apartment alone and do whatever I want.

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating all the sweets myself.

2 weeks ago

Funny Quotes

Witty quote about humorously prioritizing treats over family health.

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Commentary:
"Taking one for the team, one cookie at a time! 🍪 Who knew saving your family could be this delicious? 😂 #DiabetesDeputy"

diabetes, eating, family, humor, i, life, myself, sacrifice, selflessness, sweets

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94 shares on Telegram this month:

I can relate to the stock market because I am always about to crash at a moment’s notice.

87 shares on Threads this month:

I would go out more if there weren’t any humans out there.

63 shares on Telegram this month:

I firmly believe that at this point my guardian angel is just eating popcorn and watching the drama.

43 shares on Twitch this month:

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with a group chat.

43 shares on X this month:

I want to become so financially stable that God uses my pockets to bless others.

38 shares on Telegram this month:

“Do it scared!” Thanks, but I have done everything scared. When is it my turn to do it calm?

33 shares on Messenger this month:

Liquor store clerk: “Do you need help?” Me: “Yes, but I decided to come here instead.”

84 shares on X this month:

I’ve realized that some people don’t like me, but I’ve also realized that I don’t give a shit.

52 shares on Snapchat this month:

I’m so bored of being bored, because being bored is really boring.

66 shares on WeChat this month:

I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts working this year.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇧🇴 has viewed:

It’s okay to embarrass yourself a little in the pursuit of human connection.

Someone from 🇬🇲 has viewed:

Did you know electronics need smoke to work? Once the smoke comes out of them, they stop working.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has copied:

There should be bloopers at the end of horror movies, so it relaxes you before bedtime.

Someone from 🇬🇶 has shared:

You were there at the beginning of the Internet if you’ve heard the following: “Get off the web, I need to make a call!”

Someone from 🇪🇷 has viewed:

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

Someone from 🇿🇼 has downloaded:

Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?

Someone from 🇬🇷 has copied:

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do.

Someone from 🇪🇪 has viewed:

I avoid those club cameras like my life depends on it.

Someone from 🇸🇳 has bookmarked:

Asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. Asked them the same thing until I got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life.

Someone from 🇧🇬 has copied:

People who live in glass houses shouldn’t change clothes.

Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on Facebook:

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

Going viral on WeChat:

We should put a tariff on being mean to me.

Trending via WeChat:

Life stopped being real after 2019 anyways.

Shared recently on Slack:

I wish I was a cat. No bills, no job, just meow, meow.

Broadcasted on Threads:

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

Spreading quickly via Snapchat:

Being social sucks all my energy.

Going viral on TikTok:

Texas Chain Saw Massacre is full of plot holes. What happens to the victims when they die? Is there an afterlife?

Breaking via Reddit:

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

Trending via Messenger:

The only exercise I done last month was running out of money.

Spreading quickly via Messenger:

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house.

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Activity Log ✨

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating all the sweets myself.

Massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost, and that shut the conversation down pretty quick.

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of a T-Rex.

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather, but mostly because of the running.

“You’ve changed.” Yeah, I watched a new movie.

I figured out how they built the pyramids. No internet.

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Activity Log ✨

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating all the sweets myself.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost, and that shut the conversation down pretty quick.

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of a T-Rex.

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather, but mostly because of the running.

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

“You’ve changed.” Yeah, I watched a new movie.

I figured out how they built the pyramids. No internet.

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