Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private.

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If you’re riding in my car, that little middle piece is for my elbow — not yours.

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Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

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Women love deciding to never talk to you again, and actually do it.

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Hey bro, please stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river.

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Opening up to people is a scam. Don’t do it.

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Why would I date a nonchalant man? I like my men how I like my thong.

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My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

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I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s like 7 years in a row now.

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Answering your cell when you don’t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.

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Socks try to be monogamous, but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.