Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes, get a piano.

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When you have finished reading this funny quote, you will be a little closer to death than before.

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It is not without reason that all telescopes searching for intelligent life are pointed away from Earth.

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I was waiting on the universe but the universe was actually waiting on me.

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Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

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I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face.

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This alien invasion could have been an email.

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Climbing Mount Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill, are cold and at the brink of death. No thanks.

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Everyone talks about climate change, but no one has the courage to sacrifice a virgin to appease the gods.

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I generally don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but I’m really good at it.

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Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”