Marriage is 33.3% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

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I don’t hate you, but I hope you run out of hot water before you’re finished your shower.

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I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.

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If she has Bukowski on her nightstand, she will devour you.

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Everybody looks like a criminal on the self-checkout camera.

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Women only want one thing and it is to walk down a dimly-lit cobblestone street with the devil.

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Japan’s greatest tragedy is having the world’s best toilets and no Mexican food. What’s the point of owning a Ferrari if you never take it to the track?

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Donuts have holes in them, just like acoustic guitars, but that’s pretty much where the similarities end.

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One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re excited about your organized fridge.

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Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

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The older I get, the less surprised I’d be if a random body part just fell off one day.