My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline.

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Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles.

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I am crumbling under the tyranny of constantly needing to ‘Create an Account’.

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The ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives).

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I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

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Out of sheer boredom, I opened the front door and rang the doorbell. I was so happy.

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Blaming the full moon for whatever unhinged decision I make tonight.

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I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

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I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone.

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I don’t wanna brag, but I’ve been told I’m micro-management material.

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I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.