My youngest started kindergarten today and I cried, but mostly for his teachers.

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Please don’t take illegal substances. Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

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Cows are very calm, considering the whole floor is food to them.

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Somethіng wrong іn your lіfe? There’s a nap for that.

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I’m fighting for free speech. Mine, not yours, so be quiet.

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Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.

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I don’t even want to talk about the things I had to do to that elf to get back on the nice list.

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IKEA is like the Hotel California of furniture stores.

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I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

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You know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.

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Anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after.