Next time I lose my mind I swear I’m not even going to look for it any more.

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If you want to complain about my driving at least calm down and get off my hood first.

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I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words. “Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

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The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

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I embarrass myself in front of myself.

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Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

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Smile like a monkey with a new banana.

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If anything I post makes you mad, just know that it pleases me.

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Welcome to your 40s. Your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

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We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them.

Someone from 🇧🇼 has bookmarked:

Why do guys named Timothy go by Tim when they could go by Moth?