Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

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You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast.

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All our dogs think we quit our jobs to spend more time with them. All our cats think we got fired for being lazy.

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Idea: An app that tells you where that bruise came from.

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When I dance, people say it reminds them of a wild dog chasing its tail.

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Pretty sure the guy in front of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

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Changing my passwords regularly has certainly helped protect my accounts. Against me.

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It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

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I got one brain cell left and it moves around my head like a Windows screensaver.

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Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

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Do you also have teenagers whose styling motto is: freeze to death for coolness?