Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

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“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

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Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

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Please don’t delete your post. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

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Some people don’t have a permanent handwriting. It depends on their mood and the pen they use.

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I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

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Thank God my pets can’t talk. They simply know too much.

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Dance like China isn’t watching.

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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

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Have an early flight tomorrow, so naturally I’m going to stay up late tonight and be weird in my room.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has downloaded:

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.