Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

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Satan: “I’d tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.”

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Because it is Friday, I will allow one beautiful woman to invite me for drinks.

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Sometimes a lover girl, sometimes a dinosaur.

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People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier.

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Now I understand why old people sit outside just to sit outside.

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I always set two alarms, one for “Good Intentions Me” and one for “The Real Me”

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I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

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The difference between the Olympic village and a normal village is that not everyone in the Olympic village is related to each other.

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All these galaxies and planets, and we ended up on the one with 40 hour work weeks.

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The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.