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Someone from 🇸🇹 has downloaded:

I’ve used dark mode so much that I’m physically repulsed by white screens now.

Someone from 🇧🇯 has viewed:

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

Someone from 🇵🇾 has copied:

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear.

Someone from 🇩🇪 has downloaded:

Sorry for being weird. It’s just that everything I talk about reminds me of every other thing I wanna talk about, so I try to talk about everything at the same time and explode.

Someone from 🇨🇺 has shared:

Hundreds, nay, thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old.

Someone from 🇧🇿 has shared:

People will say stuff like “Well, at least if WWIII happens, I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true.

Someone from 🇬🇼 has viewed:

The horror: “Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone.”

Someone from 🇧🇫 has shared:

People who lie all the time really think that we don’t know.

Someone from 🇾🇪 has downloaded:

Beavers are also just otters that have learned carpentry.

Someone from 🇲🇲 has bookmarked:

Daniel Craig leaving Bond to become Benoit Blanc is one of the best things to ever happen.

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Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Twitch:

Maybe if we paid our streaming services even more, they could stop jacking up the volume on the commercials they make us watch, even though we are paying for the service.

Seen just now on Instagram:

I’m blunt because the universe rolled me that way.

Trending via Telegram:

Apologize for the job that you do. It would be nice if you were talented too.

Going bananas on Snapchat:

I didn’t like my beard at first… then it grew on me.

Breaking via TikTok:

When Chuck Norris was born, the doctor got slapped.

Trending via Slack:

This meeting could have been a cave painting.

Seen just now on Twitch:

Life is just a series of Sopranos references with some other things mixed in.

Going viral on Reddit:

“You look tired”. No, I’m just ugly.

Making waves on WhatsApp:

Girl math is avoiding shipping costs by buying more.

Breaking via Instagram:

A Jackie Chan fight scene where he’s in an IKEA warehouse and he fights off dudes with furniture pieces, but by the end he’s accidentally assembled it all into a complete Malm bedroom set.

Shoulda named my daughter Calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

2 weeks ago

Funny Quotes

Humorous text about a daughter being complicated, with a witty math-inspired twist.

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Commentary:
"Maybe it's time to add 'Calculus' to the list of potential baby names! 🤔📚 Who knew math could be so relatable? 😂 #DadJokes"

Calculus, cause, complicated, daughter, family, humor, joke, parenting

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75 shares on Messenger this month:

Last night the Internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.

67 shares on Instagram this month:

Lasagna has never broken my heart. Just saying.

15 shares on Discord this month:

Please don’t be mean to me, because I can be meaner and I hate being mean.

94 shares on Threads this month:

My brain has too many tabs open and one of them is playing music I can’t find.

78 shares on TikTok this month:

Now if you’ll excuse me, today’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.

77 shares on Messenger this month:

Getting married soon. Just need a spouse.

38 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I’m always happy when I come home from shopping and the note on the table reminds me of what I wanted to buy.

60 shares on Facebook this month:

The main reason I got divorced was cause I got married.

58 shares on Facebook this month:

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

15 shares on Twitch this month:

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇻🇪 has bookmarked:

There should be a tented fingers emoji. For when you’re feeling ruminative.

Someone from 🇰🇲 has downloaded:

The elder Zoomer speaks of the Wii with reverence.

Someone from 🇸🇳 has bookmarked:

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I need their PornHub videos to always buffer, just as they’re about to climax.

Someone from 🇸🇻 has bookmarked:

I don’t rise and shine. I caffeinate and hope.

Someone from 🇲🇨 has viewed:

Feeling morally and spiritually adrift without a Sunday HBO show.

Someone from 🇱🇦 has downloaded:

Turtles made out of plastic, problem solved.

Someone from 🇵🇱 has viewed:

Good morning to everyone except the baristas who don’t tighten the lid.

Someone from 🇲🇳 has copied:

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” encourages you to do something you shouldn’t do.

Someone from 🇳🇵 has viewed:

“Huh” is 94% of my vocabulary.

Someone from 🇵🇪 has viewed:

Ozzy Osbourne has mumbled through entire sentences, and I still understood him better than most of my exes.

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on X:

I have no prime. I will evolve till I die.

Shared recently on YouTube:

I do my best to kill everyone with kindness, but they don’t seem to be dying.

Just landed via Discord:

I’m lacking vitamin c-ash.

Broadcasted on Facebook:

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

Going viral on YouTube:

It whistles, doesn’t it? Your head when it’s windy.

Just landed via WhatsApp:

The only squat I’m even considering doing today is diddly.

Seen just now on Discord:

Hike in groups. Bears like to have options.

Spreading quickly via Instagram:

All I’ve ever wanted is to look good naked, hope that someone can take it.

Seen just now on Snapchat:

Was in a bookshop and asked a worker if he could recommend books to me. He said, ‘Sure, they’re great.’

Trending via TikTok:

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

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Activity Log ✨

Shoulda named my daughter Calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

In 2007, if you wore a long-sleeve T-shirt under a regular T-shirt, it meant that you liked music.

I would reset the clock on your microwave for you.

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

Dear ghosts, if you can move stuff around and flicker lights, then you can use a mop.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Shoulda named my daughter Calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

Keep the laugh going 😂

In 2007, if you wore a long-sleeve T-shirt under a regular T-shirt, it meant that you liked music.

I would reset the clock on your microwave for you.

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

Returning to Twitter is like coming back to a dysfunctional family.

I’m officially at the age where I hate unnecessary noises and useless friends.

Dear ghosts, if you can move stuff around and flicker lights, then you can use a mop.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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