Shoulda named my daughter Calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

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I got one brain cell left and it moves around my head like a Windows screensaver.

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You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.

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Studies show people who like my posts are happier, smarter, and better looking than those who don’t.

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That “never again” talk with yourself after a certain experience is always funny.

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Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

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Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.

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Having a bathroom switch outside a bathroom and a sibling is a bad combination.

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“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun.” Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano.

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Your skull is the only thing preventing your brain from floating away, unburdened as it is by any meaningful thought to anchor it.

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Liberté. Egalité. Second Coffeé.