The term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what I aspire to be.

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Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

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When I retire, I’m going to run for office.

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I don’t understand why “family-run” should be a sign of quality. North Korea, for example, is also family-run and doesn’t convince me at all.

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I wish I loved exercising as much as I love not exercising.

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Just heard my knee crack so loud I expected it to glow in the dark.

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“Are you seeing someone?” Like a hallucination, therapist, or a guy?

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Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

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Gonna break into your house, toast all your bread and put it back in the bag.

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Starting conversations with short people by saying “back when I was your height…”

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The best way to reach me is with intelligence and humor.